COVID TESTING

My doctor wants me tested ASAP. 

It's a Friday night and his office is closed but he tells me to get a test done at CVS. 

So I make the appointment and I have one for Saturday morning.

I have so much to do because I got a flat tire and need to get that fixed but I am still coughing and wheezing and sneezing like it's the middle of allergy season. I've gone through 2 full sized boxes of tissues and 4 small purse sized packages of tissues. I'm now resorting to the McDonald's napkins stuffed in my glovebox because I've run out. 

I manage to get all of the things done that I need to and make it to my appointment at CVS at 11am.

They give me the little brown bag containing my test kit. 

It consists of a long swab, a vial of some sort of liquid and a large gallon sized baggie with a sanitizing wipe in it.

The pharmacist gives me the directions on taking it and I'm terrified of sticking this thing in my nose.

"Make sure you push it up and not back." he says. "Make sure you go far enough that you bring a tear to your eye." 

Are you serious? Hmmm, how can I be sure that I am doing this right? Make my eyes water? If it's uncomfortable to do; won't I just stop SHORT of making my eyes water? Seems only natural that I wouldn't purposefully make myself cry.

It takes me about 5 minutes to decide to do this.

I take a deep breath and go in. 

"Go in as far as the scored line on the swab, Ms. Bowman" he says through the intercom. 

Wait, scored line? What scored line? How in the hell am I supposed to see a scored line with this swab up my nose. 

I'm panicking now and just as I am about to pull out that swab he says, "That's good. Now leave it there for 15 seconds." 

Wait what! 15 whole seconds. He's got to be kidding but he isn't because he holds up a timer. 

15 seconds is a helluva long time. Then his voice again, "Now turn the swab...roll it between your fingers 4 or 5 times. 

This has GOT TO BE a joke! But I do it and then he says, pull it out.

When I do...well let's just say, I swear I pulled some of my brain out. Well, I didn't really but I pulled something out of my nose and then he says, "Now insert the swab into your other nostril."

I swear I gagged, I really did. 

Now I have to put this nasty swab in my other nostril and do the same thing. 

Clearly I do because I look over and he is holding up the timer again. What I would like to do with that timer!

He then tells me to put the swab into the vial and to break it off at the score mark. 

I'm more than happy to do that. This torture is almost over. 

I catch a glimpse of him and he looks pretty disgusted too. Maybe he got a look at that stuff hanging off of my swab. Yeah..it was totally gross!

I put it in the baggie and then he LOUDLY says, "Put it in the bin and MAKE SURE YOU WIPE IT DOWN AFTER YOU DO."

Like dude...really. I felt just like a leper at that point. Good thing I was in my car and my windows are tinted. I wouldn't want anyone being able to identify that leper driving away.

He says it will take 2 days to get my results. 

So now...

I wait.